Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Just "ACT" yourself........huh?

Has anyone ever told you to "just be yourself"?  You're worried about that interview; "just be yourself."  What if I don't know anyone at the party?  "Just be yourself."  The scenarios go on and on.  Now, have you ever thought to yoursefl, "if I were myself, I won't get the job", or "no one will like me".  And again we could go on and on.  But the last question I would like you to ask yourself is, "do you truly know who you are to be yourself?  Let's explore that thought.

In college I had to take an acting class as a requirement of my degree.  So many of my class mates were afraid to get up in front of others and "act."  I was one of two women who were in their 40s.  The rest were highschool graduates, or early to mid 20s.  Hmmm, how is this going to go.  Well, it turned out to be one of my absollute favorite classes.

We did group activites at first; some were embarrassed, others we the goofy "jocks" , and a few of us took it seriously.  My first script was about a woman on the Canadian prarie land whose husband was at war.  She was drinking with a friend and wondering about the fate of her husband.  The teacher had said we can bring prompts, if we wanted; but the way it was said, or the way I heard it, I ended up with all props AND full constume.  I felt a little strange once I noticed all the other students just "doing their lines" with little change of attire and no props.  Oh well, I had packed it all up and broughtt it here, may as well use it.  I REALLY put myself into it.  I almost made myself cry at the end of the scene.  It was quite a good feeling though I wasn't sure why, but I got an A+, so I didn't really think about the feeling.

Sometime in the middle of the semester we were given our choice of scene selections.  I don't really remember all the other scenes available, but I jumped right on a scene from "The Three Faces of Eve".  It is a true story from 1951 of a young housewife who suffered from muliple personality disorder (MPD).

I chose the script because of the multiple personalities:  Eve White, a sweet quiet housewife, yet unhappy in her marriage.  Eve Black, just the opposite.  She was single, loved to party and meet with many different men.  Jane, the truest of the personalities, was a young girl with several traumatic early childhood situations.  It's worth the read or the movie.

Anyway, I was drawn to this opportunity to release my own personalities.  No, wait, don't freak out, I'm don't have MPD.  But I have alot of "me's" that sometimes don't get out much.  I was the "good girl", but wow what fun it would be to be Eve Black and do the partying with no cares.

It was this memory that made my mind wander to the "just be yourself" phrase.  I wasn't myself and it felt GOOD to be someone else and to be an entirely acceptable in that moment.  I have to believe there are others out there that will be able to relate to this kind of feeling.

We all have MANY sides ourselves.  They are often related to our emotions.  If you have seen "Inside Out," you'll be able to relate a little more.  Let's talk about some of these feelings and how they may make us act.

I work in the Education field.  I see everyday how the new students ACT trying to make new friends.  I see the new employee trying to FIT in.  I see the book smart students laugh at the not so smart others, then, I see the not so smart ACT big and tough to protect themselves from the laughter.  I see people at parties who ACT like I'm their best friend, but would snub their nose to me in everydy life.  I try to make myself "give" to all and make sure everyone feels equal time has been alotted them, but inside I am tired of giving and NEVER making anyone, including me, happy.  But if I didn't "act " myself, people would probably run for the hills yelling Frankenstein, or something off the sort.

I am a complex person and play many roles in life.  Each one fits into certain enviroments, but each one is different.  For example, I am a confident, experienced worker when I am job interviewing.  But when I leave and let the facade go, I 2nd guess what I did and become a less confident person.  When I'm mad I become quiet and closed off, but have to put on "the face" to make it through the day.  I was once told by my boss that no matter what is bothering us, we "have to fake it till we make it."  More acting.  When I'm sad, I have to smile and look like nothing is wrong.  For all these situations, I would LOVE to show my real self.

But what would that look like?  I have played to role of the new kid acting tough to fit in, the sexy girl to get the guys, the rebel, the one to be pitied, a great worker, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a grandmother, a wife, and the list goes on.  I can say for certain, the only part of me that I truly know is real is the messy girl.  I could NEVER fake my inability to organize. LOL  How could I put all these things together and "just be me"?

We are raised to be "all that we can be", but what about WHAT we want to be?  We're targeted by our abilitly to play sports, get good grades, get a scholarship and climb that ladder.  Employers hire more people who have a degree than not.  It doesn't really matter what the degree is in, they just want it.  Some people just aren't cut out for college, and would make amazing workings without a degree.  But cooporate U.S. shames you for NOT going to college, so, we go and "act" like it's what we want.

We are "sold" on what the media has to say we should be.  We try to fit the mold, not knowing the mold has been air brushed and the cellulite erased by some computer. Models are skinny and look so confident, but many have an eating disorder and are low on the self esteem scale.  And yet we imagine that is who we should be and we "act" like that will make us beautiful.

Writers know that disguise of self sells. Romeo and Juliette had to pretend they hated each other while they were in love, and we know how that "act" ended.  Hamlet is filled with mascauraders.  One of my favorite movies, "Never Been Kissed," is about a woman who gets to "relive" her senior year in high school as an undercover reporter.  I can so relate to her.  After being riduculed and then becoming popular, she is revealed and also freed to be an amazing woman.  Shakespeare wrote,  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;"  then one of my favorite bands, Rush, took it further, "Performers and portrayers.  Each another's audience
Outside the gilded cage.  This song, "Limelight", totally expresses the need to disguise to survive.  (Listen here https://youtu.be/ZiRuj2_czzw)

I wonder if I could display my feelings, would I find myself?  By screaming at the top of my lungs when I'm frustrated, or laying on the floor kicking my feet and crying because I didn't get my way, or crying because my feelings are hurt, could I find me?  What if I stood up in the next meeting and admitted I really DIDN'T have the confidence I displayed on the job?  Would they embrace my honesty or send me packing?  Probably the latter.

I think of the many actors who died unhappy, trying to find themselves.  Norma Jean, aka Marilyn Monroe, covered up her innocent soda fountain girl with sex appeal.  Michael Jackson lived on his "Neveland Ranch" maybe to recreate the childhood he never had.  Robin Williams, so gifted in comedy, suffered extreme depression and committed suicide.  Let's consider that they acted for a living; they got PAID to do it, and yet they seem to have lost themselves.

I love what "Josie Grossie", from "Never Been Kissed" says when she is revealed, "it doesn't matter.......(who you were in highschool)...........find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."

I don't get paid for my roles in the play we call life.  Will that make a difference in the outcome of my movie?  Until the reel stops, I continue playing my role, switching from each scene to the next in Emmy award winning style.  But at the end of the, day I strip each costume off; I am exhausted, I don't look forward to hitting the stage again tomorrow.

To be continued.......but who knows when, and by who it will be played.

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