We would've done anything to save a life.

This entry has been started, stopped, typed, deleted, restarted, and on my mind since June 4th 2:38 a.m. Today I think I can finally publish it. Yes, I have it down to the minute. This was the time my daughter sent me this message, "just so you know, (friend) killed herself a few hours ago." WTF??? If you don't know what that means, you don't need to. My daughter was hysterical! She had been tied to this girl and one other for most of their junior and senior high school years. I was in shock. I stayed strong for my daughter, she had a surgery coming up and I didn't really process that it had happened. Everyday I woke up with it immediately on my mind, and yet I still felt I was dreaming. In talking with my daughter about our memories, it came to me how many times this young woman bopped in my house and said, "Hi Mom!" It hit me that I would never here that again, and I wished I had told her I loved her. I slipped into a space between denial and reality; such a strange feeling. Still focusing on my daughter's surgery, I moved through the next few days, remaining in the space. When her surg ery was over and she was home, I lost it. I cried. I sobbed, and screamed "NO!", and felt a spot in my heart tearing. I cried for her and this decision she had made. I cried for her mother, knowing it could've been any of us mother's this happened to. I cried for other family members, and a few friends I knew that would greatly miss her. Of course the question is always why? These sudden choices our loved ones make without warning, leave us wondering. EVERYONE remembers her laugh. But underneath there was a girl who was hurting, feeling lost. I recently saw this quote, with picture of Marilyn Monroe smiling and styling for the camera. It said, "Emotionally I'm done. Mentally I'm drained. Spiritually I am dead. Physically I smile." In my mind I removed Marilyn and replaced the photo with our friend. I believe that might be how she felt and brought her to this decision. We will never know the why, just that she was "sick". Her mental status was invaded by depression and self doubt, and so many people were taking from her what ever she had and never giving back. Not her family though, they tried so hard. Gave her access to counseling, medication, a safe place to come when she was trying to get away from a bad situation. They tried their best, but for some reason this woman couldn't go one, an maybe even thought her family would be better off with out her. But, we will never truly know. Today my dog brought a new born bunny to my porch. I had her drop it, but it was injured and bleeding. It seemed to be strong and I thought I would find his home and put him back and he would heal. I looked and looked, while holding his little body in my hand; the warmth and tightness seems to comfort it. I walked the yard looking and looking for his home. I got out the flash light and checked every place I could think of. Then I let the dog out and watched as she sniffed around the yard. FINALLY she kept going back to one spot, and sure enough there was the nest with other babies in it. I opened my hand and began to put the bunny back, then stopped. He was very limp and I saw the injury was worse than I thought. So I covered up the others, and kept this little guy in my hand. I sat on the porch with the dying bunny, coddling it to make it feel secure, until it died. As I held this tiny thing so he wouldn't suffer alone, analogy came to me. First, I wished our friend had not died and had not died alone. But then it came to me, that like the bunny in my hand, our friend was resting in the hand of God. She wasn't alone. The wonderful thing for her, because she had a relationship with God, is that she will have life breathed back into her and she will live free from the pain she was suffering here. We must also trust that God has us in his hand. That we will get through, one day at a time. We have each other. But if we could've we would have saved her life if we new how. This song says it all. Any of us would've done this for her. I want to reach out to those of you reading this who may be considering suicde. It is important that you know someone loves you. Even though you may not think anyone does. You don't no me, but I value your life. Your family and friends will NOT be better off without you. They will be sad and wish they could've done something to save you. And who ever finds you will remember it for the rest of their lives. Is this how you want them to remember you? One man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, and survived said, "The minute I jumped, I wish I hadn't". consider this before you do what you are thinking of. At the last minute he wanted to live. Inside you is the will to live. You don't want to hurt your family and friends, so please reconsider. Get online and chat with www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call the National Suicie Prevention HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255. Always know, you have a friend. Even if it's a stranger.