As a mother and a daughter, I suck!

In case you can't tell, it's a gray day. I'm having some very strong feelings about Mother's Day. This year it can pass on by like any other Sunday of the month. The expectations I put on myself to be a good mother and a good daughter were not so unrealistic, or so I thought. I have always loved my mother, even when I was a rebellious teen. Even as I defied her right in front of her face. As I grew into a woman and had my children I realized how hard things must have been for her at times. I'm sorry mom. You always tried your best, I want you to know that I know that and I thank you for that; I hope you forgave me for the mean things I did and understood that none of it was your fault. Even as I write this though, I feel so undeserving of being your daughter. You are struggling with some memory issues, and some pretty bad mood swings, and I am avoiding you. I am shut down because you hurt my feelings even though I don't think you know you are. And to watch what is happening is breaking my heart. I have tried to help, but you have taken it as a negative action and so I have stopped doing anything to avoid the pain. As a daughter I suck. I have always loved my children, even when they were/are rebellious. Even as they defy me to my face I love them. As they navigate this world as adults, I realize I have no control; it was an illusion all along, but now it's crystal clear that I cannot change them. The decisions and lives they are making have to be made by them. When I try to have input they take it as I want to control their lives. They avoid their mother as I avoid mine only for a different reason. I wonder if I had done something different, made them clean their rooms, checked out places they went instead of just talking on the phone to parents and dropping them off, would things be different. Could I have saved them some pain and thus made their future, the now, better for them. I'm sorry my children. As a mother I suck! What do I do with myself now. I've always been a daughter close to her mother, and a mother caring for her children. I'm caught in the middle of helping and letting go. Loving or harming. Pulling those I love closer or pushing them farther away. It seems an unending circling path no matter what way I go. So, I don't. I just let them be. It is taken as a sign that I don't care or that I don't love or that I don't want to be a part of their lives. The fact of the matter is, it is all I can do to keep myself from dying inside because of what is happening. I am protecting myself, my heart. The reality of an impostor living in my mother's body, and the knowledge I can't protect my kids from what must happen for them to grow into the people they will be, leave me paralyzed. I guess I must just find me again; have I really ever done that? In finding me will my mother and children find themselves too? The only truth I know is "I can only change me." Everything else is truly out of my control. I must just live one day at a time. To do this, I am reading the 12 steps Bible and recovery workbook. People think of addictions when they think of the 12 steps, but it is good for anyone who is struggling. So my new prayer is "release for peace." When worry and the feeling of wanting to "save" my mother or my children comes in I say "God I release _____ to you, for peace. Peace does come, even if for a fleeting moment. I pray that moment will become 2, and then 3, and maybe a whole day; I pray it for you too.

Sharing struggle and recovery

I wanted to share a recent "conversation" I had with a friend. We are working through the "Life Recovery Bible". It really is a wonderful work. It follows the 12 steps of recovery programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous and the such, but really is wonderful for recovery of virtually anything. We are doing it for food and weight loss and learning so much about our "dependencies". The reading was as follows with my comments below them: Step 4 Genesis 3:6-13 I really got alot out of this small reading. 1. Passing the buck or blaming something or someone. 2. Hiding my nakedness, literally. 3. Making the outside look good while not cleansing the inside. 4. Not listening to God. I do not feel we need to be fully open with the world, our families, our friends; but we need to open up to God. He all ready knows what we are trying to hide and is asking us "who told you you were/are______"fill in the blank. (ugly, shameful, bad, etc) We could pass the buck; society tells us, the doctor told me I'm obese, the teacher said I was bad, and so on. But who really is telling us? Satan has allowed us to become our own judge and jury. Now I'm not passing the buck, just admitting that I tell my self bad stuff all the time and every time I do it allows Satan to pass me one more apple so to speak. It is March the 14th, 12 days from this reading and I have been so sucked in by the serpent! My praise of success and joy in striving and not suffering have been crushed into a week of eating like I used to, and a panic inside me causing obsession of shopping or pet finding. I haven't felt so empty and frustrated in a while! That sneaky serpent! I will admit I gave into him, but I will NOT pass the buck. I made the choice, though subconsciously, I did it. My God in Heaven! Thank you for bringing me back to this lesson so that I my start over with confidence and reverence by your grace and strength. Help me to fight the temptation of the "apple". It only causes me illness. Let me drink and eat of your spirit and get back on the road you have planned, never forgetting the serpent will sneak in at every opportunity to "crush my head."

We would've done anything to save a life.

This entry has been started, stopped, typed, deleted, restarted, and on my mind since June 4th 2:38 a.m. Today I think I can finally publish it. Yes, I have it down to the minute. This was the time my daughter sent me this message, "just so you know, (friend) killed herself a few hours ago." WTF??? If you don't know what that means, you don't need to. My daughter was hysterical! She had been tied to this girl and one other for most of their junior and senior high school years. I was in shock. I stayed strong for my daughter, she had a surgery coming up and I didn't really process that it had happened. Everyday I woke up with it immediately on my mind, and yet I still felt I was dreaming. In talking with my daughter about our memories, it came to me how many times this young woman bopped in my house and said, "Hi Mom!" It hit me that I would never here that again, and I wished I had told her I loved her. I slipped into a space between denial and reality; such a strange feeling. Still focusing on my daughter's surgery, I moved through the next few days, remaining in the space. When her surg ery was over and she was home, I lost it. I cried. I sobbed, and screamed "NO!", and felt a spot in my heart tearing. I cried for her and this decision she had made. I cried for her mother, knowing it could've been any of us mother's this happened to. I cried for other family members, and a few friends I knew that would greatly miss her. Of course the question is always why? These sudden choices our loved ones make without warning, leave us wondering. EVERYONE remembers her laugh. But underneath there was a girl who was hurting, feeling lost. I recently saw this quote, with picture of Marilyn Monroe smiling and styling for the camera. It said, "Emotionally I'm done. Mentally I'm drained. Spiritually I am dead. Physically I smile." In my mind I removed Marilyn and replaced the photo with our friend. I believe that might be how she felt and brought her to this decision. We will never know the why, just that she was "sick". Her mental status was invaded by depression and self doubt, and so many people were taking from her what ever she had and never giving back. Not her family though, they tried so hard. Gave her access to counseling, medication, a safe place to come when she was trying to get away from a bad situation. They tried their best, but for some reason this woman couldn't go one, an maybe even thought her family would be better off with out her. But, we will never truly know. Today my dog brought a new born bunny to my porch. I had her drop it, but it was injured and bleeding. It seemed to be strong and I thought I would find his home and put him back and he would heal. I looked and looked, while holding his little body in my hand; the warmth and tightness seems to comfort it. I walked the yard looking and looking for his home. I got out the flash light and checked every place I could think of. Then I let the dog out and watched as she sniffed around the yard. FINALLY she kept going back to one spot, and sure enough there was the nest with other babies in it. I opened my hand and began to put the bunny back, then stopped. He was very limp and I saw the injury was worse than I thought. So I covered up the others, and kept this little guy in my hand. I sat on the porch with the dying bunny, coddling it to make it feel secure, until it died. As I held this tiny thing so he wouldn't suffer alone, analogy came to me. First, I wished our friend had not died and had not died alone. But then it came to me, that like the bunny in my hand, our friend was resting in the hand of God. She wasn't alone. The wonderful thing for her, because she had a relationship with God, is that she will have life breathed back into her and she will live free from the pain she was suffering here. We must also trust that God has us in his hand. That we will get through, one day at a time. We have each other. But if we could've we would have saved her life if we new how. This song says it all. Any of us would've done this for her. I want to reach out to those of you reading this who may be considering suicde. It is important that you know someone loves you. Even though you may not think anyone does. You don't no me, but I value your life. Your family and friends will NOT be better off without you. They will be sad and wish they could've done something to save you. And who ever finds you will remember it for the rest of their lives. Is this how you want them to remember you? One man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, and survived said, "The minute I jumped, I wish I hadn't". consider this before you do what you are thinking of. At the last minute he wanted to live. Inside you is the will to live. You don't want to hurt your family and friends, so please reconsider. Get online and chat with www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call the National Suicie Prevention HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255. Always know, you have a friend. Even if it's a stranger.