As a mother and a daughter, I suck!

In case you can't tell, it's a gray day. I'm having some very strong feelings about Mother's Day. This year it can pass on by like any other Sunday of the month. The expectations I put on myself to be a good mother and a good daughter were not so unrealistic, or so I thought. I have always loved my mother, even when I was a rebellious teen. Even as I defied her right in front of her face. As I grew into a woman and had my children I realized how hard things must have been for her at times. I'm sorry mom. You always tried your best, I want you to know that I know that and I thank you for that; I hope you forgave me for the mean things I did and understood that none of it was your fault. Even as I write this though, I feel so undeserving of being your daughter. You are struggling with some memory issues, and some pretty bad mood swings, and I am avoiding you. I am shut down because you hurt my feelings even though I don't think you know you are. And to watch what is happening is breaking my heart. I have tried to help, but you have taken it as a negative action and so I have stopped doing anything to avoid the pain. As a daughter I suck. I have always loved my children, even when they were/are rebellious. Even as they defy me to my face I love them. As they navigate this world as adults, I realize I have no control; it was an illusion all along, but now it's crystal clear that I cannot change them. The decisions and lives they are making have to be made by them. When I try to have input they take it as I want to control their lives. They avoid their mother as I avoid mine only for a different reason. I wonder if I had done something different, made them clean their rooms, checked out places they went instead of just talking on the phone to parents and dropping them off, would things be different. Could I have saved them some pain and thus made their future, the now, better for them. I'm sorry my children. As a mother I suck! What do I do with myself now. I've always been a daughter close to her mother, and a mother caring for her children. I'm caught in the middle of helping and letting go. Loving or harming. Pulling those I love closer or pushing them farther away. It seems an unending circling path no matter what way I go. So, I don't. I just let them be. It is taken as a sign that I don't care or that I don't love or that I don't want to be a part of their lives. The fact of the matter is, it is all I can do to keep myself from dying inside because of what is happening. I am protecting myself, my heart. The reality of an impostor living in my mother's body, and the knowledge I can't protect my kids from what must happen for them to grow into the people they will be, leave me paralyzed. I guess I must just find me again; have I really ever done that? In finding me will my mother and children find themselves too? The only truth I know is "I can only change me." Everything else is truly out of my control. I must just live one day at a time. To do this, I am reading the 12 steps Bible and recovery workbook. People think of addictions when they think of the 12 steps, but it is good for anyone who is struggling. So my new prayer is "release for peace." When worry and the feeling of wanting to "save" my mother or my children comes in I say "God I release _____ to you, for peace. Peace does come, even if for a fleeting moment. I pray that moment will become 2, and then 3, and maybe a whole day; I pray it for you too.