Grief and Grieving

I hesitate to write this as I might hurt someone's feelings; someone who is all ready hurting due to some loss. Well, there will always be someone who doesn't like what I write though, so I will continue. I have become quite critical of the "after death process". I will NOT be told when I should grieve or how I should grieve. I know you are judging me, but you don't know where I have been. You didn't see that my grief may have begun years before this day arrived. Do not judge me. Your disagreement with my process of grief may dictate your behavior toward me. But, no matter how you want to perceive it, loss has happened to us both. I am NOT cold or uncaring. I am coping in my own way. I am inclined to blame you for how I feel; you were not here, you walked away, you didn't take on the responsibility. What ever the situation, I must face my own loss, whether you truly had anything to do with it or not. I have experienced grief over things others thought I should not. It was assumed that because I wasn't connected I didn't care. What they didn't realize was that the disconnect began the grieving process. You lose whoever it is you disconnect from no matter how long the person continues to live. Some of us are forced to disconnect, others do it voluntarily. It may be that I have all ready grieved so long that death's sting is not as painful. And, it may be that because the disconnect has gone on so long, death is actually more painful because what could've been can no longer be. And maybe, just maybe, I can now rest knowing that the pain can end for both of us. In recent conversations with my husband I have disagreed with the traditional funeral process so much that arguments have nearly arisen. I will do my grieving and saying goodbye on my own terms. I will NOT stand for hours next to a body that no longer holds the soul of my loved one while people "pay their respects". It's awkward, it takes away from my time to process and come to terms with what has happened. Please let me be; judgement of my process is not your place. I respect your process and your traditions, but please respect mine. You don't know what I have been through and you NEVER will because my loss is different than yours; even though they are related. I may or may not attend your traditional process; either way it is my choice and doesn't mean I don't care. Do what you need to do to heal, and I will do what I need to heal. Someday we will both have healed enough. (The "You" in this writing is hypothetical and not aimed at anyone specifically)