We would've done anything to save a life.

This entry has been started, stopped, typed, deleted, restarted, and on my mind since June 4th 2:38 a.m. Today I think I can finally publish it. Yes, I have it down to the minute. This was the time my daughter sent me this message, "just so you know, (friend) killed herself a few hours ago." WTF??? If you don't know what that means, you don't need to. My daughter was hysterical! She had been tied to this girl and one other for most of their junior and senior high school years. I was in shock. I stayed strong for my daughter, she had a surgery coming up and I didn't really process that it had happened. Everyday I woke up with it immediately on my mind, and yet I still felt I was dreaming. In talking with my daughter about our memories, it came to me how many times this young woman bopped in my house and said, "Hi Mom!" It hit me that I would never here that again, and I wished I had told her I loved her. I slipped into a space between denial and reality; such a strange feeling. Still focusing on my daughter's surgery, I moved through the next few days, remaining in the space. When her surg ery was over and she was home, I lost it. I cried. I sobbed, and screamed "NO!", and felt a spot in my heart tearing. I cried for her and this decision she had made. I cried for her mother, knowing it could've been any of us mother's this happened to. I cried for other family members, and a few friends I knew that would greatly miss her. Of course the question is always why? These sudden choices our loved ones make without warning, leave us wondering. EVERYONE remembers her laugh. But underneath there was a girl who was hurting, feeling lost. I recently saw this quote, with picture of Marilyn Monroe smiling and styling for the camera. It said, "Emotionally I'm done. Mentally I'm drained. Spiritually I am dead. Physically I smile." In my mind I removed Marilyn and replaced the photo with our friend. I believe that might be how she felt and brought her to this decision. We will never know the why, just that she was "sick". Her mental status was invaded by depression and self doubt, and so many people were taking from her what ever she had and never giving back. Not her family though, they tried so hard. Gave her access to counseling, medication, a safe place to come when she was trying to get away from a bad situation. They tried their best, but for some reason this woman couldn't go one, an maybe even thought her family would be better off with out her. But, we will never truly know. Today my dog brought a new born bunny to my porch. I had her drop it, but it was injured and bleeding. It seemed to be strong and I thought I would find his home and put him back and he would heal. I looked and looked, while holding his little body in my hand; the warmth and tightness seems to comfort it. I walked the yard looking and looking for his home. I got out the flash light and checked every place I could think of. Then I let the dog out and watched as she sniffed around the yard. FINALLY she kept going back to one spot, and sure enough there was the nest with other babies in it. I opened my hand and began to put the bunny back, then stopped. He was very limp and I saw the injury was worse than I thought. So I covered up the others, and kept this little guy in my hand. I sat on the porch with the dying bunny, coddling it to make it feel secure, until it died. As I held this tiny thing so he wouldn't suffer alone, analogy came to me. First, I wished our friend had not died and had not died alone. But then it came to me, that like the bunny in my hand, our friend was resting in the hand of God. She wasn't alone. The wonderful thing for her, because she had a relationship with God, is that she will have life breathed back into her and she will live free from the pain she was suffering here. We must also trust that God has us in his hand. That we will get through, one day at a time. We have each other. But if we could've we would have saved her life if we new how. This song says it all. Any of us would've done this for her. I want to reach out to those of you reading this who may be considering suicde. It is important that you know someone loves you. Even though you may not think anyone does. You don't no me, but I value your life. Your family and friends will NOT be better off without you. They will be sad and wish they could've done something to save you. And who ever finds you will remember it for the rest of their lives. Is this how you want them to remember you? One man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, and survived said, "The minute I jumped, I wish I hadn't". consider this before you do what you are thinking of. At the last minute he wanted to live. Inside you is the will to live. You don't want to hurt your family and friends, so please reconsider. Get online and chat with www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call the National Suicie Prevention HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255. Always know, you have a friend. Even if it's a stranger.

If Clarity were a restaurant

How awesome would it be to hit a drive through and order a value basket of clarity.  The scenario would go something like this.  "Hi welcome to Clarity how may I help you?"  You reply, "I'd like a large order of 'should I change jobs' and a side of 'my next hairstyle.'"  You pull forward and pay then open your bag to find a beautifully wrapped "not a good time for a career change," and a picture of the perfect haircut.   You carry on with your scheduled day without a worry.

So many times in my life I would've been thrilled to have this drive through option.  I'm a second guesser.  I get a great job offer and accept it on the spot, tell everyone about it, then start to wonder if I made the right decision.   I send an email that I have read at least 3 times, debating clicking that button of no return.  It's done, I nod my head with accomplishment, and then wonder if I should have put my opinion in writing.

I am in awe and envy those people who announce to the world they KNEW without a doubt "that" was the thing to do.  Many of them believe they are "spoken to".  These people make the decision that was so clearly given to them AND life DOES turn out great.

Without all the ugly details, I will tell you I was raised in a very unpredictable environment.  Promises were made and broken.  Others unreliable decisions clouded my own development of healthy choices. I truly believe this has a lot to do with my distrust of my own decisions.  Not making an excuse, just self examining. Too many times, I got excited, made a decision and was disappointed.  It just didn't work out how I thought it would.  So then there should be a restaurant named "Consequence Rewind".  "Hi, how may I help you today?"  "Um yes, can I please have the 'Oops I Was Wrong Meal' and an 'I Regret That Decision Shake?'"  I devour my order and wake up the next day as if no decision had been made.

On my way to work later that week I stop at "What Iffy's" for a coffee.  The menu reads 'pick your size 1, 2, 3.'    I choose 3;  I drive up and am handed a drink carrier with three cups.  Hmmm?  I lift the first one to find it labeled 'this is what you could have had.  The second cup reads, 'look what you passed up' and the  third one is my drink that's labeled 'but you settled for this.'.  I hate "What Iffy's", I don't know why I go there.
  

Sometimes I go to " Modern Genie" for lunch.  Now the service there is hit and miss.   I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "be careful what you wish for, it might come true." Here's how things go there.   "Welcome to Modern Genie how may I help you?"  "I'd like to have the daily special of 'Finally I got the job I want, with a raise on the side."  I pull up to the window and race away with my order.  Later when I'm writing the transaction in my checkbook I read on the receipt, "This order expires in 6 months."  What? Wait! That's not what I wanted!

I'm getting a bit overwhelmed just thinking about these options.  What if they truly existed?  If I had the answer to everything, would I truly be happy?  I could quickly answer "heck yes!"  But then I think about the decisions that require heart.  Questions like "should I marry him/her"?  I grab the daily special  "Yes" and walk down the aisle with no feeling, or I get the "expires by divorce in four years" on the side.

I have had decisions blow up in my face and thought life was over.  Years later I see how those decisions actually took me to a great place.  As much as I struggle with my wants and my decisions, I don't think the "decision menu" is a good idea.  I married for love, changed jobs for money and crashed, and live with the decision to get up everyday and step out knowing today could change my whole life for the good or bad.  It's super hard for me to say that out loud, because that's not how it feels.  It feels like work, and I'm tired, but to examine it through this writing has begun to open doors in my mind I didn't know were there.  It seems to actually be true that we "live and learn.".

Today I will stop at "Freewill Freemind" coop and slowly walk the aisles picking the ingredients to make my own decisions.  I'm done with the drive through.

Just "ACT" yourself........huh?

Has anyone ever told you to "just be yourself"?  You're worried about that interview; "just be yourself."  What if I don't know anyone at the party?  "Just be yourself."  The scenarios go on and on.  Now, have you ever thought to yoursefl, "if I were myself, I won't get the job", or "no one will like me".  And again we could go on and on.  But the last question I would like you to ask yourself is, "do you truly know who you are to be yourself?  Let's explore that thought.

In college I had to take an acting class as a requirement of my degree.  So many of my class mates were afraid to get up in front of others and "act."  I was one of two women who were in their 40s.  The rest were highschool graduates, or early to mid 20s.  Hmmm, how is this going to go.  Well, it turned out to be one of my absollute favorite classes.

We did group activites at first; some were embarrassed, others we the goofy "jocks" , and a few of us took it seriously.  My first script was about a woman on the Canadian prarie land whose husband was at war.  She was drinking with a friend and wondering about the fate of her husband.  The teacher had said we can bring prompts, if we wanted; but the way it was said, or the way I heard it, I ended up with all props AND full constume.  I felt a little strange once I noticed all the other students just "doing their lines" with little change of attire and no props.  Oh well, I had packed it all up and broughtt it here, may as well use it.  I REALLY put myself into it.  I almost made myself cry at the end of the scene.  It was quite a good feeling though I wasn't sure why, but I got an A+, so I didn't really think about the feeling.

Sometime in the middle of the semester we were given our choice of scene selections.  I don't really remember all the other scenes available, but I jumped right on a scene from "The Three Faces of Eve".  It is a true story from 1951 of a young housewife who suffered from muliple personality disorder (MPD).

I chose the script because of the multiple personalities:  Eve White, a sweet quiet housewife, yet unhappy in her marriage.  Eve Black, just the opposite.  She was single, loved to party and meet with many different men.  Jane, the truest of the personalities, was a young girl with several traumatic early childhood situations.  It's worth the read or the movie.

Anyway, I was drawn to this opportunity to release my own personalities.  No, wait, don't freak out, I'm don't have MPD.  But I have alot of "me's" that sometimes don't get out much.  I was the "good girl", but wow what fun it would be to be Eve Black and do the partying with no cares.

It was this memory that made my mind wander to the "just be yourself" phrase.  I wasn't myself and it felt GOOD to be someone else and to be an entirely acceptable in that moment.  I have to believe there are others out there that will be able to relate to this kind of feeling.

We all have MANY sides ourselves.  They are often related to our emotions.  If you have seen "Inside Out," you'll be able to relate a little more.  Let's talk about some of these feelings and how they may make us act.

I work in the Education field.  I see everyday how the new students ACT trying to make new friends.  I see the new employee trying to FIT in.  I see the book smart students laugh at the not so smart others, then, I see the not so smart ACT big and tough to protect themselves from the laughter.  I see people at parties who ACT like I'm their best friend, but would snub their nose to me in everydy life.  I try to make myself "give" to all and make sure everyone feels equal time has been alotted them, but inside I am tired of giving and NEVER making anyone, including me, happy.  But if I didn't "act " myself, people would probably run for the hills yelling Frankenstein, or something off the sort.

I am a complex person and play many roles in life.  Each one fits into certain enviroments, but each one is different.  For example, I am a confident, experienced worker when I am job interviewing.  But when I leave and let the facade go, I 2nd guess what I did and become a less confident person.  When I'm mad I become quiet and closed off, but have to put on "the face" to make it through the day.  I was once told by my boss that no matter what is bothering us, we "have to fake it till we make it."  More acting.  When I'm sad, I have to smile and look like nothing is wrong.  For all these situations, I would LOVE to show my real self.

But what would that look like?  I have played to role of the new kid acting tough to fit in, the sexy girl to get the guys, the rebel, the one to be pitied, a great worker, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a grandmother, a wife, and the list goes on.  I can say for certain, the only part of me that I truly know is real is the messy girl.  I could NEVER fake my inability to organize. LOL  How could I put all these things together and "just be me"?

We are raised to be "all that we can be", but what about WHAT we want to be?  We're targeted by our abilitly to play sports, get good grades, get a scholarship and climb that ladder.  Employers hire more people who have a degree than not.  It doesn't really matter what the degree is in, they just want it.  Some people just aren't cut out for college, and would make amazing workings without a degree.  But cooporate U.S. shames you for NOT going to college, so, we go and "act" like it's what we want.

We are "sold" on what the media has to say we should be.  We try to fit the mold, not knowing the mold has been air brushed and the cellulite erased by some computer. Models are skinny and look so confident, but many have an eating disorder and are low on the self esteem scale.  And yet we imagine that is who we should be and we "act" like that will make us beautiful.

Writers know that disguise of self sells. Romeo and Juliette had to pretend they hated each other while they were in love, and we know how that "act" ended.  Hamlet is filled with mascauraders.  One of my favorite movies, "Never Been Kissed," is about a woman who gets to "relive" her senior year in high school as an undercover reporter.  I can so relate to her.  After being riduculed and then becoming popular, she is revealed and also freed to be an amazing woman.  Shakespeare wrote,  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;"  then one of my favorite bands, Rush, took it further, "Performers and portrayers.  Each another's audience
Outside the gilded cage.  This song, "Limelight", totally expresses the need to disguise to survive.  (Listen here https://youtu.be/ZiRuj2_czzw)

I wonder if I could display my feelings, would I find myself?  By screaming at the top of my lungs when I'm frustrated, or laying on the floor kicking my feet and crying because I didn't get my way, or crying because my feelings are hurt, could I find me?  What if I stood up in the next meeting and admitted I really DIDN'T have the confidence I displayed on the job?  Would they embrace my honesty or send me packing?  Probably the latter.

I think of the many actors who died unhappy, trying to find themselves.  Norma Jean, aka Marilyn Monroe, covered up her innocent soda fountain girl with sex appeal.  Michael Jackson lived on his "Neveland Ranch" maybe to recreate the childhood he never had.  Robin Williams, so gifted in comedy, suffered extreme depression and committed suicide.  Let's consider that they acted for a living; they got PAID to do it, and yet they seem to have lost themselves.

I love what "Josie Grossie", from "Never Been Kissed" says when she is revealed, "it doesn't matter.......(who you were in highschool)...........find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."

I don't get paid for my roles in the play we call life.  Will that make a difference in the outcome of my movie?  Until the reel stops, I continue playing my role, switching from each scene to the next in Emmy award winning style.  But at the end of the, day I strip each costume off; I am exhausted, I don't look forward to hitting the stage again tomorrow.

To be continued.......but who knows when, and by who it will be played.

Lima Beans and Eggs

No, this is NOT some strange recipe.  It’s how I learned a life lesson I didn’t want to learn.  I’m not a deep thinker, so when this thought hit me and wouldn't leave me I had to investigate what it meant.  My thinking was about to go deeper than I ever imagined.

It’s spring and in school we are learning about how plants and chicks develop.  Lima beans in a bag with a wet paper towel, chicken eggs in the incubator.  Each day we talk about the changes we can and can't see happening to our projects.  

Let’s start with the lima beans.  In our bags we CAN see changes happening.  Our beans become fatter, the hard outer coating becomes slimy and seems to disappear.  Most of us see a root breaking through.  Some seeds are too wet and are molding.  I, as the person who hates to see a sad child, intervene secretly to be sure all kids have at least one seed with a root.  We do talk about the ones that did not open up to a root.  How too much water has, in essence, drowned them and there was not enough air to help them grow.  After a few days, we fill a clear cup with soil, bury our little rooting seed, add some water, and wait anxiously for a sprout.  

And sprout they do.  They grow taller and taller and we see the root web through the dirt and along the side of our clear cup.  Its an awesome sight!  And as we watch the class make books about their seeds.  The parts of a plant; seed, root, stem, leaves, flowers, etc.  What does a plant need?  Food/nutrients, water, sun, soil and air.  They document the changes they see along the way.

Now, to the eggs.  We cannot see what is happening inside the egg, but we have the pictures on each day of the calendar showing us how it SHOULD be developing.  We do have to care for the eggs as we don’t have the mommas to sit on them.  We keep the incubator set at the right temp, the humidity just so, and move/turn the eggs so they “bake” evenly.  

As we anticipate all that will soon happen, I am suddenly hit with the thought of how my life parralells the life of these lima beans and eggs.  Wait!  Where did that come from?  Is that you, brain?  These strangely odd and yet perfectly clear ideas do not just come to me; usually I am flying in the fog of “what’s happening up there.”  Yet this thought was not a passing thing, it lingered.  So for this thing to happen to me, I had to stop and contemplate it.  My brain was showing me this very vivid comparison of lima beans and eggs to my HUMAN LIFE.  Again, how strange this was for me; I was afraid I might be crazy.  But no, it was a message.

Have you ever considered the “life” of the lima bean?  Me either, and yet here it was playing as clear as a theatre movie.  Alone, the lima bean cannot grow.  It needs water, air, food, etc.  without this “help” it would stay a hard chunk of nothing for all of eternity.   But through it another process of “life” the necessary items are delivered, and our seed begins to transform.  First it’s covering and shape.  It becomes slimy and fat, kind of like me.  Oops down the wrong track there.  But what is happening inside?  No one really knows, or at least I haven’t googled it to find out.  However, it’s obvious something is happening because of the change we see on the outside.  Imagine being the seed, doing whatever you can to break that root free of its confinement.  I wonder about the seed that becomes moldy and rots.  What DIDN'T happen in there?  It became stagnant for sure, but why?  Another topic.

Let’s observe the one that is successful, the root breaks through.  How hard that must of been, and yet we don’t think twice about it; it just happens.  There it is, the beginning of the root.  First, it’s one white, wormy, looking thing, then it’s grows some branches and looks like a weird brush.  Once it reaches the soil, it grows more “bristles” and anchors itself down.  Then the stem begins to grown; an easier process because the root already opened up the way.  But now, the stem must be sure it is going in the right direction to reach the sun.  Come on, have you really ever thought about that?   What if the root didn’t process the right and wrong of growing in the right direction?   It wouldn’t thrive.  But for the seeds that go the right direction and pop through the dirt it must glorious.  Oh but wait, for some that darn shell is still hanging on, and without intervention the leaves will wrinkle and die.  The hope of living free above the soil was just a dream.

Now onto the eggs.    Delivered from the farm 2 days earlier than expected, we are told that they can sit on the counter for up to a week.  We prepare the incubator and have the eggs numbered and placed in two days.  Numbered?  You ask.  Yup we number them, actually place letters on them so we can guess which will hatch first. We also have duck eggs and we put a D and a number to differentiate them in our guesses.

We mark a special calendar with 1-21 and count each day down by putting a photo of what should be happening inside the eggs.  We take each number down and see how the chicks are changing, and we wait.

Day 20 Approaches.  We the teachers are excited and our anticipation is obvious to all who see us.  Day 21, 22, 23, 24, nothing.  We have seen some eggs “move” actually shake I guess, but those are the duck eggs. After a visit from our farm friend, we are assured our chicks did not “make it”.  Our incubator is no good, but our ducks have 5 more  days to hatch so there is still hope.  In the other class, several chicks have hatched.  I can continue my story because of them.  

Before the hatch, the chicks move themselves into position to begin pecking their way out.  I didn’t know that they had to be in a certain position or they would perish.  They peck toward the air sack and we can hear them chirping from INSIDE the egg.  This was pretty cool.  So they peck their way out.  The strong ones come out and can stay up to 24 hours in the incubator to dry and be warm.  Some of them have cracked open the shell, but the hard work of breaking free to live was too much and they have exhausted themselves to death; yes death.  Who had thought about this?  Not me, after all, like the seeds, this just happens.  The teachers are good at shielding this part from the kids.  They know not all will survive, but they don’t need to see and know it all.  

After all this, I can finally tell you about this crazy, but perfectly clear, message I received.  These two classroom experiments relate to the everyday life of the human.  

Both lima beans and eggs have embryos.  Again, who knew?  I never thought about seeds having an embryo, and yet doesn't everything start that way?  More so than we thought, but I won’t go into all that.  However, we cannot deny that all life begins  “somewhere.”   And each thing has to grow from something, and apparently the embryo is that something.

Let’s parallel the babies of mammals to the lima bean and the egg. Each of them begin as an embryo, as I have noted above.  Each of these need a food source.  Mammals get theirs from their mothers, the egg from the yolk, and the seed from the soil.  If each is not taken care of properly, they will not grow, or grow with defects, or fail to thrive at any point of development.  For those that get what they need, and grow to

the point of “delivery”, they are “born”.

None of the births are easy.  Each life form must fight it’s way out.  The seed has to push through the earth, which is heavy and sometimes dry.  That little seed strives to get to the sun, to breath our carbon dioxide, and feel the rain upon its leaves.  

The chick pecks and pecks, rests, and then pecks some more.  It is out of food, it has broken through it’s last air supply, and needs out of the egg in a certain amount of time.  It, by instinct, knows it’s gotta get out.

The mammal baby really doesn’t have a say in when it’s time to come out.  It begins its embryonic state, and at any point can stop growing.  This can occur for countless reasons that we don’t need to go into.  But let’s say it’s growing well and on schedule, but boom, the “carriers” body (aka mother) decides it doesn’t want to carry it any more.    Birth begins whether or not it is time.  We know how this can go.  That little mammal, is under developed and weak.  In the wild this is NOT a good thing, it will be abandoned   or even killed by its carrier or pack or tribe, etc.  Or, wild or domesticated, it can die because of it’s condition.  For those who survive there is often a life of struggle, again for many reasons we won’t go into.  However, I would like to mention that medicine has advanced so far that human babies are living through younger and younger births.  

For the lucky ones, they stay inside the mother the full amount of time, they develop correctly, and then the birthing process begins.  This process is not easy; not for the  mother or the baby.  Can you imagine being pushed through an area much small than you are.  OW!  Mothers don’t think about it with their babies, they are just thinking about how to get that thing out because they are in pain.  Anyway,  it’s instinctive, even in  humans.  The muscles contract and push and you can’t stop it, so you push too. This can be a difficult time for mother and baby and each can have injuries or death during this process.  

Finally, the baby is born, and mother begins the process of raising it.  For the “wild” things, the process is instinctive. They just know what to do.  For the human mammals, the instinct is shaded by the decision making process.  We know pretty much WHAT to do but we also wonder if we are doing it right.  We question the foods we offer, the people who care for our children, how should we dress them, put them to bed, and how to keep them happy.

In some “3rd” world cultures, these decisions are cultural.  It takes a village, and that is that. They have a pattern of existence.

In more developed countries, ESPECIALLY  America, we have so many options.  Specialist say to do this, don’t do that, feed this, not that, educate and discipline this way, and don’t do THAT!  Isn’t it exhausting?  To further that exhausting bombardment of advice, we as the “domesticated “ beings, strive for happiness in our careers, our material things, our financial stability, our reputation.  We continue to fight as if we are still trying to break free of our “containment”.  As if we will never be free.  Life seems to be the never ending push to survive.  Always rebirthing, just to do it again.  There is never the peace that we have “arrived”, the fight is over, we can rest.  The relief ad instinctive life of the sprout and the baby chick don’t seem to come us humans.  Our social acceptance shell is never fully opened.  We chip and push to be free, and we still feel trapped.   The leaves of our life are forever sophisticated by the shell that remains stuck to them.

Yes, all of THIS came from two class science projects involving lima beans and eggs. My clear epiphany was “it is time for change in my life.”  It is time to break free of my containment and LIVE!  Stop feeling trapped by my environment and what others think I should be.  It is an exciting thought and a light is lit inside me.  It is also so HARD!  A lifetime of emotional prison does not evaporate the moment you are paroled.  We need to adapt to our newly found freedom.  We need to chat with our hearts and give them permission to feel all the things it must feel to learn how to be free. it’s a lot of work; but can it be any harder than it was to continually chip and push to be free?

To end this long story of struggle, I leave you with this quote of hope:

“And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful that the risk it took to blossom.” (Elizabeth Appell)

Free of our constraints, we will fly and blossom.  Just like the egg and the lima bean.