Gifts in Ugly Packages

I recently wondered why we put so much effort into the outside of the gifts we give. Aren't we all ready giving something wonderful? Why does it have to be "well dressed" also? Now, sometimes, pretty packages have some pretty crummy gifts inside. If you have ever watched National Lampoons "Christmas Vacation", you may have notice the well wrapped gifts from Aunt Bethany. Unfortunately, one package is leaking a substance(Jello Salad, we later find out) and the other is meowing, (yes Aunt Bethany wrapped her cat.) So, again I ask what does the outside of the gift matter? I'm going to tell you about a gift I received from a darn nasty, ugly package; my dad. On the outside he was a drunk; he was gone alot, drank alot, faught alot with my mom, and made promises that weren't kept. He also had some pretty inappropriate behaviours, and by all means I should've hated the man. Everyone else did! Well, I couldn't; I'm his daughter and a daughter just wants her daddy, no matter what package he comes in. I never got the gift I thought I wanted from him, to really be a dad, but I did get an incredible gift through a random act of "daddiness". When ever it stormed, my dad would grab us kids and sit on the porch or in the garage and we would watch it roll in. With all it's roaring winds, flashing lightning and booming thunder, we would sit there until the rain was blowing in our faces and then we would go inside and watch some more. I can't remember a time that I was afraid of storms. I remember this story my dad used to tell at the dinner table; yes it was on a stormy night: VENGEANCE By Walter Wheatley

Dark and dreary was the night, A storm was drawing nigh, In vivid streaks the lightning flashed, Athwart the leaden sky . But see, from out the lonely wood s There stands a vengeful man, A bloodstained club is firmly grasped Within his strong right hand . Like a spectre from the unknown world He glides upon his foe , A murderous look gleams in his eye As he readies for the blow . The club is raised—and then, alas , It falls with a sickening thud, And there upon the dark, cold ground Lies murdered. . .a potato bug. I was so intrigued and waiting with anticipation to find out who was murder, and then to get that! Oh we laughed. To this day, I watch the storms roll in. If they are predicted and fade out I am quite disappointed. There is such excitment waiting to see what mother nature will do that I am pretty let down when she fizzles out on me. Maybe the disappointment is not in the fact that the storm doesn't come, it's in the fact that the memory isn't called to life. I am passing this gift on to my grandchildren. They will receive the gift from a pretty cool package though ;-) Next time you are wrapping a gift and putting pretty bows or tissue paper inside if it's a bag, consider wrapping it in awful paper or a dirty box. The expectation will be less, but the gift will be more exciting. Then try to think about a gift you were given from an awful package. There might not be one, but if you don't think about it, it might go unrecognized as a gift. Happy gifting and getting.

Grief and Grieving

I hesitate to write this as I might hurt someone's feelings; someone who is all ready hurting due to some loss. Well, there will always be someone who doesn't like what I write though, so I will continue. I have become quite critical of the "after death process". I will NOT be told when I should grieve or how I should grieve. I know you are judging me, but you don't know where I have been. You didn't see that my grief may have begun years before this day arrived. Do not judge me. Your disagreement with my process of grief may dictate your behavior toward me. But, no matter how you want to perceive it, loss has happened to us both. I am NOT cold or uncaring. I am coping in my own way. I am inclined to blame you for how I feel; you were not here, you walked away, you didn't take on the responsibility. What ever the situation, I must face my own loss, whether you truly had anything to do with it or not. I have experienced grief over things others thought I should not. It was assumed that because I wasn't connected I didn't care. What they didn't realize was that the disconnect began the grieving process. You lose whoever it is you disconnect from no matter how long the person continues to live. Some of us are forced to disconnect, others do it voluntarily. It may be that I have all ready grieved so long that death's sting is not as painful. And, it may be that because the disconnect has gone on so long, death is actually more painful because what could've been can no longer be. And maybe, just maybe, I can now rest knowing that the pain can end for both of us. In recent conversations with my husband I have disagreed with the traditional funeral process so much that arguments have nearly arisen. I will do my grieving and saying goodbye on my own terms. I will NOT stand for hours next to a body that no longer holds the soul of my loved one while people "pay their respects". It's awkward, it takes away from my time to process and come to terms with what has happened. Please let me be; judgement of my process is not your place. I respect your process and your traditions, but please respect mine. You don't know what I have been through and you NEVER will because my loss is different than yours; even though they are related. I may or may not attend your traditional process; either way it is my choice and doesn't mean I don't care. Do what you need to do to heal, and I will do what I need to heal. Someday we will both have healed enough. (The "You" in this writing is hypothetical and not aimed at anyone specifically)

Thoughts on a Train

As a mother and a daughter, I suck!

In case you can't tell, it's a gray day. I'm having some very strong feelings about Mother's Day. This year it can pass on by like any other Sunday of the month. The expectations I put on myself to be a good mother and a good daughter were not so unrealistic, or so I thought. I have always loved my mother, even when I was a rebellious teen. Even as I defied her right in front of her face. As I grew into a woman and had my children I realized how hard things must have been for her at times. I'm sorry mom. You always tried your best, I want you to know that I know that and I thank you for that; I hope you forgave me for the mean things I did and understood that none of it was your fault. Even as I write this though, I feel so undeserving of being your daughter. You are struggling with some memory issues, and some pretty bad mood swings, and I am avoiding you. I am shut down because you hurt my feelings even though I don't think you know you are. And to watch what is happening is breaking my heart. I have tried to help, but you have taken it as a negative action and so I have stopped doing anything to avoid the pain. As a daughter I suck. I have always loved my children, even when they were/are rebellious. Even as they defy me to my face I love them. As they navigate this world as adults, I realize I have no control; it was an illusion all along, but now it's crystal clear that I cannot change them. The decisions and lives they are making have to be made by them. When I try to have input they take it as I want to control their lives. They avoid their mother as I avoid mine only for a different reason. I wonder if I had done something different, made them clean their rooms, checked out places they went instead of just talking on the phone to parents and dropping them off, would things be different. Could I have saved them some pain and thus made their future, the now, better for them. I'm sorry my children. As a mother I suck! What do I do with myself now. I've always been a daughter close to her mother, and a mother caring for her children. I'm caught in the middle of helping and letting go. Loving or harming. Pulling those I love closer or pushing them farther away. It seems an unending circling path no matter what way I go. So, I don't. I just let them be. It is taken as a sign that I don't care or that I don't love or that I don't want to be a part of their lives. The fact of the matter is, it is all I can do to keep myself from dying inside because of what is happening. I am protecting myself, my heart. The reality of an impostor living in my mother's body, and the knowledge I can't protect my kids from what must happen for them to grow into the people they will be, leave me paralyzed. I guess I must just find me again; have I really ever done that? In finding me will my mother and children find themselves too? The only truth I know is "I can only change me." Everything else is truly out of my control. I must just live one day at a time. To do this, I am reading the 12 steps Bible and recovery workbook. People think of addictions when they think of the 12 steps, but it is good for anyone who is struggling. So my new prayer is "release for peace." When worry and the feeling of wanting to "save" my mother or my children comes in I say "God I release _____ to you, for peace. Peace does come, even if for a fleeting moment. I pray that moment will become 2, and then 3, and maybe a whole day; I pray it for you too.

Sharing struggle and recovery

I wanted to share a recent "conversation" I had with a friend. We are working through the "Life Recovery Bible". It really is a wonderful work. It follows the 12 steps of recovery programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous and the such, but really is wonderful for recovery of virtually anything. We are doing it for food and weight loss and learning so much about our "dependencies". The reading was as follows with my comments below them: Step 4 Genesis 3:6-13 I really got alot out of this small reading. 1. Passing the buck or blaming something or someone. 2. Hiding my nakedness, literally. 3. Making the outside look good while not cleansing the inside. 4. Not listening to God. I do not feel we need to be fully open with the world, our families, our friends; but we need to open up to God. He all ready knows what we are trying to hide and is asking us "who told you you were/are______"fill in the blank. (ugly, shameful, bad, etc) We could pass the buck; society tells us, the doctor told me I'm obese, the teacher said I was bad, and so on. But who really is telling us? Satan has allowed us to become our own judge and jury. Now I'm not passing the buck, just admitting that I tell my self bad stuff all the time and every time I do it allows Satan to pass me one more apple so to speak. It is March the 14th, 12 days from this reading and I have been so sucked in by the serpent! My praise of success and joy in striving and not suffering have been crushed into a week of eating like I used to, and a panic inside me causing obsession of shopping or pet finding. I haven't felt so empty and frustrated in a while! That sneaky serpent! I will admit I gave into him, but I will NOT pass the buck. I made the choice, though subconsciously, I did it. My God in Heaven! Thank you for bringing me back to this lesson so that I my start over with confidence and reverence by your grace and strength. Help me to fight the temptation of the "apple". It only causes me illness. Let me drink and eat of your spirit and get back on the road you have planned, never forgetting the serpent will sneak in at every opportunity to "crush my head."

The art of blending

I sometimes like to make smoothies. I'll get on a health kick and throw some things together, blend it up, and drink it on the way to work. The other day I put WAY to many ingredients in the blender. Not only was it too thick, the items I blended were not complimentary of each other. It tasted awful. But rather than throwing it out, I drank it, not wanting to waste the healthy ingredients. Later I got a bit nauseous, which lead to, uh, let's just say the bathroom. This smootie experience was the inspiration for this post. Think about your day; how many people did you come in contact with, at work, school, the grocery store? Now consider each of these people, or groups of people, as ingredients in your smoothie of life. If you had to "blend" everyone you met today into your "smoothie", would you enjoy it? Or, would it be a nauseating disappointment as mine was? Sometimes we can choose who we belnd with and sometimes we can't. On those days we have a choice, make the most of your "ingredients". Pick the people that give you strength, and joy. On the days you can't pick your "people" ingredients you still have to get by. Sometimes this means "ingesting" comments or personalities you would never had picked for your smoothie. Well, let's think of it like my grandma "at least try it, if you don't like it you don't have to eat it again." Sometimes I liked it and wanted more, other times, it was awful and I scooped it off my plate. In the life smoothie it would go something like this. "it's not the person you would have chosen, but do the work and if you don't hit it off, don't accept a lunch invitation". In other words, don't throw them into you life blender. This happens everyday at work. I am in a 12 ingredient office. In the beginning, nothing blended well. I wondered how I would be able to mix this smoothie and make it good. Well, a couple assignments and desk moves, brought me to a GREAT mixture of people. I will say there are still a couple of people I don't want in my work smoothie, but there is nothing I can do about it. So, I name them Kale - I HATE Kale! However, it can be tolerated with certain other ingredients. Thus that "Kale" at work is the same; the other ingredients drowned it out and my life smoothie is ingestible. The actual smoothie I made in the beginning of this post had too many uncomplimentary items. I have found this true in some groups that I USED to hang out with. Those ingredients were not healthy and so I dropped them from my smoothie all together. I am still experimenting with my actual smoothie, and my life smoothie. Soon, they will both be the perfect blend of health, enjoyment, and comfort. May you find the right "ingredients" for your life smoothie.

We would've done anything to save a life.

This entry has been started, stopped, typed, deleted, restarted, and on my mind since June 4th 2:38 a.m. Today I think I can finally publish it. Yes, I have it down to the minute. This was the time my daughter sent me this message, "just so you know, (friend) killed herself a few hours ago." WTF??? If you don't know what that means, you don't need to. My daughter was hysterical! She had been tied to this girl and one other for most of their junior and senior high school years. I was in shock. I stayed strong for my daughter, she had a surgery coming up and I didn't really process that it had happened. Everyday I woke up with it immediately on my mind, and yet I still felt I was dreaming. In talking with my daughter about our memories, it came to me how many times this young woman bopped in my house and said, "Hi Mom!" It hit me that I would never here that again, and I wished I had told her I loved her. I slipped into a space between denial and reality; such a strange feeling. Still focusing on my daughter's surgery, I moved through the next few days, remaining in the space. When her surg ery was over and she was home, I lost it. I cried. I sobbed, and screamed "NO!", and felt a spot in my heart tearing. I cried for her and this decision she had made. I cried for her mother, knowing it could've been any of us mother's this happened to. I cried for other family members, and a few friends I knew that would greatly miss her. Of course the question is always why? These sudden choices our loved ones make without warning, leave us wondering. EVERYONE remembers her laugh. But underneath there was a girl who was hurting, feeling lost. I recently saw this quote, with picture of Marilyn Monroe smiling and styling for the camera. It said, "Emotionally I'm done. Mentally I'm drained. Spiritually I am dead. Physically I smile." In my mind I removed Marilyn and replaced the photo with our friend. I believe that might be how she felt and brought her to this decision. We will never know the why, just that she was "sick". Her mental status was invaded by depression and self doubt, and so many people were taking from her what ever she had and never giving back. Not her family though, they tried so hard. Gave her access to counseling, medication, a safe place to come when she was trying to get away from a bad situation. They tried their best, but for some reason this woman couldn't go one, an maybe even thought her family would be better off with out her. But, we will never truly know. Today my dog brought a new born bunny to my porch. I had her drop it, but it was injured and bleeding. It seemed to be strong and I thought I would find his home and put him back and he would heal. I looked and looked, while holding his little body in my hand; the warmth and tightness seems to comfort it. I walked the yard looking and looking for his home. I got out the flash light and checked every place I could think of. Then I let the dog out and watched as she sniffed around the yard. FINALLY she kept going back to one spot, and sure enough there was the nest with other babies in it. I opened my hand and began to put the bunny back, then stopped. He was very limp and I saw the injury was worse than I thought. So I covered up the others, and kept this little guy in my hand. I sat on the porch with the dying bunny, coddling it to make it feel secure, until it died. As I held this tiny thing so he wouldn't suffer alone, analogy came to me. First, I wished our friend had not died and had not died alone. But then it came to me, that like the bunny in my hand, our friend was resting in the hand of God. She wasn't alone. The wonderful thing for her, because she had a relationship with God, is that she will have life breathed back into her and she will live free from the pain she was suffering here. We must also trust that God has us in his hand. That we will get through, one day at a time. We have each other. But if we could've we would have saved her life if we new how. This song says it all. Any of us would've done this for her. I want to reach out to those of you reading this who may be considering suicde. It is important that you know someone loves you. Even though you may not think anyone does. You don't no me, but I value your life. Your family and friends will NOT be better off without you. They will be sad and wish they could've done something to save you. And who ever finds you will remember it for the rest of their lives. Is this how you want them to remember you? One man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, and survived said, "The minute I jumped, I wish I hadn't". consider this before you do what you are thinking of. At the last minute he wanted to live. Inside you is the will to live. You don't want to hurt your family and friends, so please reconsider. Get online and chat with www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call the National Suicie Prevention HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255. Always know, you have a friend. Even if it's a stranger.