Grief and Grieving

I hesitate to write this as I might hurt someone's feelings; someone who is all ready hurting due to some loss. Well, there will always be someone who doesn't like what I write though, so I will continue. I have become quite critical of the "after death process". I will NOT be told when I should grieve or how I should grieve. I know you are judging me, but you don't know where I have been. You didn't see that my grief may have begun years before this day arrived. Do not judge me. Your disagreement with my process of grief may dictate your behavior toward me. But, no matter how you want to perceive it, loss has happened to us both. I am NOT cold or uncaring. I am coping in my own way. I am inclined to blame you for how I feel; you were not here, you walked away, you didn't take on the responsibility. What ever the situation, I must face my own loss, whether you truly had anything to do with it or not. I have experienced grief over things others thought I should not. It was assumed that because I wasn't connected I didn't care. What they didn't realize was that the disconnect began the grieving process. You lose whoever it is you disconnect from no matter how long the person continues to live. Some of us are forced to disconnect, others do it voluntarily. It may be that I have all ready grieved so long that death's sting is not as painful. And, it may be that because the disconnect has gone on so long, death is actually more painful because what could've been can no longer be. And maybe, just maybe, I can now rest knowing that the pain can end for both of us. In recent conversations with my husband I have disagreed with the traditional funeral process so much that arguments have nearly arisen. I will do my grieving and saying goodbye on my own terms. I will NOT stand for hours next to a body that no longer holds the soul of my loved one while people "pay their respects". It's awkward, it takes away from my time to process and come to terms with what has happened. Please let me be; judgement of my process is not your place. I respect your process and your traditions, but please respect mine. You don't know what I have been through and you NEVER will because my loss is different than yours; even though they are related. I may or may not attend your traditional process; either way it is my choice and doesn't mean I don't care. Do what you need to do to heal, and I will do what I need to heal. Someday we will both have healed enough. (The "You" in this writing is hypothetical and not aimed at anyone specifically)

Thoughts on a Train

As a mother and a daughter, I suck!

In case you can't tell, it's a gray day. I'm having some very strong feelings about Mother's Day. This year it can pass on by like any other Sunday of the month. The expectations I put on myself to be a good mother and a good daughter were not so unrealistic, or so I thought. I have always loved my mother, even when I was a rebellious teen. Even as I defied her right in front of her face. As I grew into a woman and had my children I realized how hard things must have been for her at times. I'm sorry mom. You always tried your best, I want you to know that I know that and I thank you for that; I hope you forgave me for the mean things I did and understood that none of it was your fault. Even as I write this though, I feel so undeserving of being your daughter. You are struggling with some memory issues, and some pretty bad mood swings, and I am avoiding you. I am shut down because you hurt my feelings even though I don't think you know you are. And to watch what is happening is breaking my heart. I have tried to help, but you have taken it as a negative action and so I have stopped doing anything to avoid the pain. As a daughter I suck. I have always loved my children, even when they were/are rebellious. Even as they defy me to my face I love them. As they navigate this world as adults, I realize I have no control; it was an illusion all along, but now it's crystal clear that I cannot change them. The decisions and lives they are making have to be made by them. When I try to have input they take it as I want to control their lives. They avoid their mother as I avoid mine only for a different reason. I wonder if I had done something different, made them clean their rooms, checked out places they went instead of just talking on the phone to parents and dropping them off, would things be different. Could I have saved them some pain and thus made their future, the now, better for them. I'm sorry my children. As a mother I suck! What do I do with myself now. I've always been a daughter close to her mother, and a mother caring for her children. I'm caught in the middle of helping and letting go. Loving or harming. Pulling those I love closer or pushing them farther away. It seems an unending circling path no matter what way I go. So, I don't. I just let them be. It is taken as a sign that I don't care or that I don't love or that I don't want to be a part of their lives. The fact of the matter is, it is all I can do to keep myself from dying inside because of what is happening. I am protecting myself, my heart. The reality of an impostor living in my mother's body, and the knowledge I can't protect my kids from what must happen for them to grow into the people they will be, leave me paralyzed. I guess I must just find me again; have I really ever done that? In finding me will my mother and children find themselves too? The only truth I know is "I can only change me." Everything else is truly out of my control. I must just live one day at a time. To do this, I am reading the 12 steps Bible and recovery workbook. People think of addictions when they think of the 12 steps, but it is good for anyone who is struggling. So my new prayer is "release for peace." When worry and the feeling of wanting to "save" my mother or my children comes in I say "God I release _____ to you, for peace. Peace does come, even if for a fleeting moment. I pray that moment will become 2, and then 3, and maybe a whole day; I pray it for you too.

Sharing struggle and recovery

I wanted to share a recent "conversation" I had with a friend. We are working through the "Life Recovery Bible". It really is a wonderful work. It follows the 12 steps of recovery programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous and the such, but really is wonderful for recovery of virtually anything. We are doing it for food and weight loss and learning so much about our "dependencies". The reading was as follows with my comments below them: Step 4 Genesis 3:6-13 I really got alot out of this small reading. 1. Passing the buck or blaming something or someone. 2. Hiding my nakedness, literally. 3. Making the outside look good while not cleansing the inside. 4. Not listening to God. I do not feel we need to be fully open with the world, our families, our friends; but we need to open up to God. He all ready knows what we are trying to hide and is asking us "who told you you were/are______"fill in the blank. (ugly, shameful, bad, etc) We could pass the buck; society tells us, the doctor told me I'm obese, the teacher said I was bad, and so on. But who really is telling us? Satan has allowed us to become our own judge and jury. Now I'm not passing the buck, just admitting that I tell my self bad stuff all the time and every time I do it allows Satan to pass me one more apple so to speak. It is March the 14th, 12 days from this reading and I have been so sucked in by the serpent! My praise of success and joy in striving and not suffering have been crushed into a week of eating like I used to, and a panic inside me causing obsession of shopping or pet finding. I haven't felt so empty and frustrated in a while! That sneaky serpent! I will admit I gave into him, but I will NOT pass the buck. I made the choice, though subconsciously, I did it. My God in Heaven! Thank you for bringing me back to this lesson so that I my start over with confidence and reverence by your grace and strength. Help me to fight the temptation of the "apple". It only causes me illness. Let me drink and eat of your spirit and get back on the road you have planned, never forgetting the serpent will sneak in at every opportunity to "crush my head."

The art of blending

I sometimes like to make smoothies. I'll get on a health kick and throw some things together, blend it up, and drink it on the way to work. The other day I put WAY to many ingredients in the blender. Not only was it too thick, the items I blended were not complimentary of each other. It tasted awful. But rather than throwing it out, I drank it, not wanting to waste the healthy ingredients. Later I got a bit nauseous, which lead to, uh, let's just say the bathroom. This smootie experience was the inspiration for this post. Think about your day; how many people did you come in contact with, at work, school, the grocery store? Now consider each of these people, or groups of people, as ingredients in your smoothie of life. If you had to "blend" everyone you met today into your "smoothie", would you enjoy it? Or, would it be a nauseating disappointment as mine was? Sometimes we can choose who we belnd with and sometimes we can't. On those days we have a choice, make the most of your "ingredients". Pick the people that give you strength, and joy. On the days you can't pick your "people" ingredients you still have to get by. Sometimes this means "ingesting" comments or personalities you would never had picked for your smoothie. Well, let's think of it like my grandma "at least try it, if you don't like it you don't have to eat it again." Sometimes I liked it and wanted more, other times, it was awful and I scooped it off my plate. In the life smoothie it would go something like this. "it's not the person you would have chosen, but do the work and if you don't hit it off, don't accept a lunch invitation". In other words, don't throw them into you life blender. This happens everyday at work. I am in a 12 ingredient office. In the beginning, nothing blended well. I wondered how I would be able to mix this smoothie and make it good. Well, a couple assignments and desk moves, brought me to a GREAT mixture of people. I will say there are still a couple of people I don't want in my work smoothie, but there is nothing I can do about it. So, I name them Kale - I HATE Kale! However, it can be tolerated with certain other ingredients. Thus that "Kale" at work is the same; the other ingredients drowned it out and my life smoothie is ingestible. The actual smoothie I made in the beginning of this post had too many uncomplimentary items. I have found this true in some groups that I USED to hang out with. Those ingredients were not healthy and so I dropped them from my smoothie all together. I am still experimenting with my actual smoothie, and my life smoothie. Soon, they will both be the perfect blend of health, enjoyment, and comfort. May you find the right "ingredients" for your life smoothie.